I haven't been keepin up with my site lately!! I finally have time right now to sit down and let my thoughts reveal. Valentines day was a drag. I baked him a cake (which something I USUALLY DONT DO CAUSE I DONT COOK FOR SHIT!) made him a card, made him a cd that had some meaningful songs on there and a lollipop. I felt as if I shouldn't have bought anything because making something meant something MORE than something that was already made not from the heart. For the past couple of days it has been nothing but DRAMA. I admit on my part I caused some of it. With that girl I talked to last night, I admit I came at you wrong right when I signed off. You can be pissed all you want but just as long as you know that I admit it was my bad, then I'm not trippen. Atleast I'm not like other girls who would be ignorant about it and talk shit.

Anyway, when I thought everything was going good with him and I, it's now falling back up on me. He told me to keep the baby and her name outta my mouth. I admit I kept going at it, but if he wanted to have a relationship with me, and work things out, ofcourse it isn't THAT FUCKING EASY to keep that subject outta my head. I thought it was going to work out too until they made the decision of having the baby. THAT TO ME HURTS because he's gonna have a relationship with me at the same time taking care of HIS EX GIRLFRIEND? How does that make me feel? He told me  that she told him she thinks she was pregnant about  A MONTH AGO. Tell me guys, (to whoever was reading this) if a guy came back to you once again and EVERYTHING was going SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD for 3 whole weeks until FINALLY he told her he couldn't help how he felt towards the other girl and she couldn't take it.. SHE SAYS NOW that FOR A FACT she's PREGNANT? with HIS BABY? I mean damn, he called ME SELFISH eh? She told him it didn't bother her at the fact that he wanted to be with me, because YOU KNOW WHY? SHE KNOWS FOR A FACT that HE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE TAKING CARE OF HER AND HER SITUATION. THAT'S WHY IT DOESN'T BUG HER. Dude, just as long as I know how I feel i'm straight.. because it's so complicated to keep shit down. sometimes you just gotta say whats on you're mind BLUNTLY. I know you guys feel me on that one. He knows I'm sorry and I know he's sorry. He's known me for a long time now, he's known my past in situations with guys, why does he have to be another memory? I've NEVER, EVER IN MY LIFE done SO MUCH SHIT for a guy as I DID FOR HIM.  I loved the way he was towards me, I loved the way he made me laugh and smiled, I loved the way his personality was. but at times he knew he could be punk but I put that aside cause I KNEW there was A BIG and BETTER side TO HIM. I appreciated everything he's done for me and he knows that. Last but not least, I LOVED HIS SMILE. -sigh- but that's nothing new, dinah always ends up hurting in the end with no one to cope it with....

This is just another road block that brang ME DOWN for a while. I should never feel as if Ive fallen because I haven't. I was just brought back to a FINAL and NEW BEGINNING. It's time to get my ass up and do what I gotta do. fuck all the drama bullshit homie. I had ENOUGH OF THAT. I might have told him I kinda regret givin him another chance but when ur mad and hurt at the same time you'd say anything to make yourself feel better. It's time to be a stronger, wiser and BETTER person. this what they classify "CHANGE" which can also be GOOD or BAD. but NO MATTER how OTHER PEOPLE perceive the transformation of my personality and mentality, I'm gonna "HOLD IT DOWN" cause as long ass I'm HAPPY and I feel better about myself, I'VE GOT IT MADE. Right best?

"once you fall, despite the change in form, that feeling will always exist.. but as you grow, you learn.. you learn that you're heart ain't always right and you have to have a strong mind to accept that because your mentality is your only key of holdin it down and walking away from a situation that you know will never do you good.. and that's when you know you're strong, when you're smart enough not to let your heart fool you."

Yet, as YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME, I see the fire in YOUR EYES, and I can hear THE LAUGHTER IN YOUR VOICE as you watch my heart break. And I'M FROZEN. I CAN'T find the words to TELL YOU that I HATE YOU. I CAN'T tell you how I WISH you would just LEAVE MY LIFE forever. So instead, I tell YOU that I need YOU in hopes that the fire in YOUR eyes die down, and the laughter in your voice becomes tears in your eyes, and YOU turn around and UNBREAK MY HEART. Only to REALIZE that wishes often DON'T come true, and HEARTS are more often then not, BROKEN. As I stand there watching YOU walk away..